As We Wait For you....

No one told me the anxiousness that would come as we wait for you, the moments of panic, and unreadiness. 
I was told in my early 20's that I may never have you growing in me, that the chances of you growing in me were slim.  I grieved for a baby growing in me then,  and every time someone would announce that they were pregnant, before I was even ready to try I would grieve. 
Then I met the man of my dreams, he actually isn't the same as the man I dreamed I would marry when I was little but he is more than perfect for me, and I couldn't imagine life without him. 
Without even trying(we just stopped trying to not let it happen) we ended up with a baby growing inside of me, and at the end of September we lost that baby and we grieved.  And as we grieved we wondered if it would happen for us. 
Then you, you began to grow.  They found you when they were searching to see if there were pieces from the baby that we had lost were still in me.  They found you a miracle!  We were and are so happy!!!! 
The first trimester, no one ever told me the fears that I would grow each time you were growing and I was growing to hold you, no one told me how I would panic at every pain, the fear that we were going to loose you too was so huge, because we wanted you!  We were sad we lost the other baby, but we really wanted you. 
I always heard all these wonderful things about being pregnant, no one told me of the fears, of the anxiety, of the pain as my body stretches, of the times of being uncomfortable, and how exhausting it can be.  BUT as those hard things happen and will each little roll over I feel you doing, and each little kick or punch you give me, I am thankful that you are here, that you are growing.  They have told us there may be something wrong with you, they are unsure because I couldn't go through with any testing that would risk hurting you, but the doctors they are watching you close, and we are holding you close, knowing that no matter what you are and will be perfect for us! 
We are almost half way done holding you in my tummy, and are excited for the day we can hold you in our arms! We stress and at times cry over the thought that you may need extra care, our biggest fear is that you would need to have surgery and we couldn't take you home right away.  We will find out in a couple of weeks when they do an indepth ultra sound on your organs, it is called a genetic ultra sound, we have already had one of these done, it was really cool to see your kidneys functioning and just the right size, and your heart, with all four chambers.  The last genetic ultra sound we had looked like everything was good, but your heart was too small then for them to see completely so we are going to have another one which will tell us for sure that everything is fine!  So far on all the ultra sounds you have been just fine!  you are growing wonderfully and normally!!!  AND so maybe it was just something in my blood wasn't right on the day they took it, or however that works. 

As I look forward I am ecstatic about your arrival, and nervous about every decision we make as we prepare for your arrival.  I have never second guessed my decisions as much as I do with all the ones which surround you, which bottles to buy, which diapers to use.  You would think after working in child care for over ten years, caring for numerous infants, the years I spent nannying before I started in child care, and all the years of babysitting before that, I would feel more ready, more confident, then what I am.  But there are still things that I go to do, that I feel like I need to research a million times over to feel like I am making the best decision for you.  There are still things that I am unsure of, even though deep inside I am more then sure of.  I have been told this feeling will never go away, that I will still have the feelings of doubting myself and worry when it comes to you! 

Even with the worry and doubting of our decisions, we will anxiously be awaiting the day that we can take you home in our arms and not be carting you around in my tummy.  Even though it feels like in my tummy is the safest place for you!  A place where you are warm and cozy and where little harm can come to you!  But you cant stay in there forever!!  So grow baby, grow!  We are waiting for you to be in our arms!!!