Your Beautiful Self....

I can't even explain the emotions that rushed on Thursday, hearing the words false positive, seeing your beautiful face and all your functioning and perfect organs and your perfectly growing self!  When they were doing the ultra sound and we were looking at your organs, I sat, well laid there anxious as we moved from organ to organ and measurement to measurement, the lady probably thought I was nuts every time she zoomed in on something on you I would freak and say is it ok, is that what it is supposed to look like, what are you looking for, what are you looking at.  Your dad tried to make conversation to distract me and let the women do her job, but it didn't work.  She did her job, I asked question after question and you wiggled around! 
Then to have the doctor come in and look at you, and say well I think you are ok, my best guess is that it is a false positive and you can go back to seeing your regular doctor!  Right then I cried! Because I was so happy that you were fine!  I was so angry that I was robbed of the first 21 months and that you and I lived in a bit of stress(sorry baby that I made you live in stress with the worry that I had for you), I was scared of going back to my regular doctor, scared of leaving the head obgyn(just in case there is something they missed, I want the best for you), I was also just overwhelmed with seeing how much you have grown and how perfect you look. 
AND then to top it off they took a shot of your face a 4D shot and they slowly moved the pieces of fluid away so that we could see you, it was like the unveiling of a master piece!  You are a master piece, YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!  I cant wait to hold you in my arms -- but I want to wait and will wait because I want you to stay in there just a little bit longer! 
Your movements in the last few days have become more frequent and a lot stronger!  When you are moving around it is like the world is just me and you, and that is one thing I will not ever in a million years even if I wanted to, share with someone else. I cant wait for the day that you are strong enough that your dad can feel you through my skin, I want him to feel that so badly too! 
YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF, We love you! I love you!  we cant wait to hold you in our arms, to rock you to walk with you, to calm you, to feed you, to even change your poop, we are excited about your growing, we are excited that you are ok and we can just fight a regular fight with you, and we hope it stays that way!  As the worry has lessoned some, the excitedness and wanting everything to be perfect for your arrival has increased!!!  I have already met you BUT I cant wait to hold you in my arms and look at your beautiful self each day!!! 

Tomorrow is a big day for us little one.  We get to see your face again!  We get to hear your heart again!  We get to see you a moving and a grooving again!  BUT we also get to see all your organs, and your face measurements and your body measurements, I am hoping tomorrow will be a day of peace.  A day where the doctors say there are still no markers showing us that is something wrong other then your blood work from when you were only 12 weeks pregnant so carry on growing your baby.  If by chance they say that something is wrong, well we will face it and we will do it and we will fight it with you and for you, and do everything in our power to make sure you are ok, to make sure that you have a life full of happiness!!!! 
I am so uneasy about tomorrow, so many mixed emotions, I have found myself tearing up over and over again today, and through out last night with the anxiousness of waiting!  Waiting to see your growing self, waiting for a new picture of you!  Waiting to hear that you are ok, or what we have to do to make sure you are ok!  I am hoping that we can hear that you are ok and we can just go out and celebrate by buying you -- I don't know what, because we have almost everything we need to be ready for you, except maybe some clothes and some diapers!  And if we hear that you are not ok, we will probably shed some giant alligator tears and then we will go out and pick up the things we think we will need to welcome you to the world and fight with you and for you!  We are fighting for you already! 
I can feel my belly stretching, can feel you growing and getting stronger with your movements and I can not wait to hold you in my arms, but for now I will settle with holding you in my belly protected from the world(expect for the screaming daycare kids you hear now and again) AND seeing you on the screen tomorrow, I cant wait to see how much you have changed and grown and to see all of you, watch them explore and your organs and see them all functioning.  I love you!!  I already love you more then I thought I could!

20 Weeks Baby

Your room is almost ready, just a few touches to be done.  And we have four monthsish to finish them.  I was hoping to be done by now, so I can sleep as much as I can during calving and make sure I make some meals after work and good treats for him, as he will be doing most of the calving on his own this year, I am tooo afraid of hurting you!  But saying that I don't know if I am going to be able to keep myself away from those baby calves either and my cows!  I also was planning on being done early with the prep work for you, so that I could take my time to plant my garden.  So that together we can weed it, well you can sit in a chair or stroller while I weed it and we can grow some vegetables that I can freeze and later make some good food for you to eat! 

My gosh, 20 weeks, 5 months of having you growing inside of my already, it is unbelievable and at the same time unbelievable that it hasn't yet been nine months. 

Today.....

Today you are a moving and grooving like crazy baby.  I don't think I have gone more then an hour without feeling you at some point.  Maybe the yelling and crazy daycare kids are scaring you?  At one point I was guessing you had the hiccups, because it was a pretty constant in the same spot little jump from you I think I was feeling. 
I am stretching again, I can feel it in my skin, I felt it all night long!  I have started to develop the ugly stretch marks, which are also known as the beautiful map that is being left on my belly, a map of you growing inside of me. 

Sometimes....

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I walk by and am in shock at the bump on me, the bump that keeps growing. When I catch a quick look it is like it is unreal to me that you are growing in there.

Sometimes when I am laying there awake at night(I don't always sleep so well) I imagine what our lives are going to be like when you are out of my belly. I wonder if I will ever be just laying there awake listening to your dad snore or if I will be busy feeding you, and sleeping hard when I can.

Sometimes when I feel you moving, even after the last four weeks of feeling you it still feels so shocking, yet so very wonderful at the same time.

Sometimes when people are talking about how they can't wait to meet you and hold you, I feel stress of having to let you go.

Sometimes when I watch the news I wonder what the headlines will be when you grow up. I also wonder if the diseases which are spreading right now like measles will be over with so I don't have to worry so much about taking you out before you are old enough to get immunized. I know immunizations won't keep you completely from getting them, there is still a chance you will have to fight that fight BuT you won't have to fight it as badly. I fear for the people who may put your health at risk.

Sometimes I have an incredible feeling of overwhelmingness when I think your dad and I are going to be raising you and I wonder if we can, if we will be good enough for you.

And often i find myself already having a huge heart and love for you. And as much as you listen to my heart ect. And I feel you moving around I don't really even know you yet.

As We Wait For you....

No one told me the anxiousness that would come as we wait for you, the moments of panic, and unreadiness. 
I was told in my early 20's that I may never have you growing in me, that the chances of you growing in me were slim.  I grieved for a baby growing in me then,  and every time someone would announce that they were pregnant, before I was even ready to try I would grieve. 
Then I met the man of my dreams, he actually isn't the same as the man I dreamed I would marry when I was little but he is more than perfect for me, and I couldn't imagine life without him. 
Without even trying(we just stopped trying to not let it happen) we ended up with a baby growing inside of me, and at the end of September we lost that baby and we grieved.  And as we grieved we wondered if it would happen for us. 
Then you, you began to grow.  They found you when they were searching to see if there were pieces from the baby that we had lost were still in me.  They found you a miracle!  We were and are so happy!!!! 
The first trimester, no one ever told me the fears that I would grow each time you were growing and I was growing to hold you, no one told me how I would panic at every pain, the fear that we were going to loose you too was so huge, because we wanted you!  We were sad we lost the other baby, but we really wanted you. 
I always heard all these wonderful things about being pregnant, no one told me of the fears, of the anxiety, of the pain as my body stretches, of the times of being uncomfortable, and how exhausting it can be.  BUT as those hard things happen and will each little roll over I feel you doing, and each little kick or punch you give me, I am thankful that you are here, that you are growing.  They have told us there may be something wrong with you, they are unsure because I couldn't go through with any testing that would risk hurting you, but the doctors they are watching you close, and we are holding you close, knowing that no matter what you are and will be perfect for us! 
We are almost half way done holding you in my tummy, and are excited for the day we can hold you in our arms! We stress and at times cry over the thought that you may need extra care, our biggest fear is that you would need to have surgery and we couldn't take you home right away.  We will find out in a couple of weeks when they do an indepth ultra sound on your organs, it is called a genetic ultra sound, we have already had one of these done, it was really cool to see your kidneys functioning and just the right size, and your heart, with all four chambers.  The last genetic ultra sound we had looked like everything was good, but your heart was too small then for them to see completely so we are going to have another one which will tell us for sure that everything is fine!  So far on all the ultra sounds you have been just fine!  you are growing wonderfully and normally!!!  AND so maybe it was just something in my blood wasn't right on the day they took it, or however that works. 

As I look forward I am ecstatic about your arrival, and nervous about every decision we make as we prepare for your arrival.  I have never second guessed my decisions as much as I do with all the ones which surround you, which bottles to buy, which diapers to use.  You would think after working in child care for over ten years, caring for numerous infants, the years I spent nannying before I started in child care, and all the years of babysitting before that, I would feel more ready, more confident, then what I am.  But there are still things that I go to do, that I feel like I need to research a million times over to feel like I am making the best decision for you.  There are still things that I am unsure of, even though deep inside I am more then sure of.  I have been told this feeling will never go away, that I will still have the feelings of doubting myself and worry when it comes to you! 

Even with the worry and doubting of our decisions, we will anxiously be awaiting the day that we can take you home in our arms and not be carting you around in my tummy.  Even though it feels like in my tummy is the safest place for you!  A place where you are warm and cozy and where little harm can come to you!  But you cant stay in there forever!!  So grow baby, grow!  We are waiting for you to be in our arms!!!